Tis the Season to be Jolly Depressed.
Christmas means only one thing for me, the enveloping decent of The Black Cloak of Depression and Paranoia.
The nearer it gets the more I feel my self spiraling downwards, I dread the impending day itself, I hate the build up to it and all the averts on the TV, there is just no escape from it!
My whole life I've had a dread of Christmas Day, I'm hard pushed to remember a time when I have ever enjoyed Christmas, even as a child. There was always the threat that if I didn't behave Father Christmas wouldn't bring me any presents, I really did try to be good, but I just couldn't help being a naughty little girl.
As a result I would go to bed on Christmas Eve in abject fear that Father Christmas wouldn't visit me.
Of course he always came, but in the morning I was told that he only filled my stocking as he couldn't fill my brothers and not mine, so I had better be grateful.
I'm sure this has scarred me for life!
For years when I was older, I would make a point of working over the Christmas period so I didn't have to be involved with it, or my family.
Then my son came along. I really did try to make an effort for him every year with a tree, a stocking and presents, but I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate the day with the rest of my family.
Luckily my family have always accepted my choice, but the guilt I feel is unbelievable. Himself is very understanding, so the day itself is just me and him. He's never asked me why, just accepted it. He will know why when he proof reads this post for me, and will no doubt think I'm most odd.
I can feel the panic rising already and it's still only November. I sometimes wonder if I actually have some sort of Phobia about Christmas to react the way I do.
What I do know for a fact is:- Every December my Depression is at it's worst, life changing things always seem to happen to me around Christmas and not in a good way.
This year is no exception, as I'm being chucked on the scrap heap of my working life on the 24th December.
On Christmas Day I will be unemployed!
I love my job, it has kept me clean and sober for 13 of the 15 years since I cleaned up my act. It has made me a stronger person and given me self respect. Losing my job is eating me up inside, I have no idea how to move forward I feel totally paralysed.
I recently went for a job interview and it was a very traumatic experience, I had to stop the car three times on the way there, as I was suffering so badly with Panic Attacks, as a result I gave a poor interview and didn't get the job. Not sure how many times I will be able to attend interviews if that keeps happening.
December is a difficult time for many people for a variety of reasons. I find the forced jolliness and commercialism of it all very difficult to deal with, it's just so much easier to give the celebrations a miss for my own sanity.
Dawn, I wish there was something profound to say. Sending love and hugs and understanding x.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lesley xxx
DeleteI really feel for you and your aversion to Christmas. I am prone to depression and in the years when things haven't gone so well for me, Christmas has always presented itself as a challenge to get through rather than something to be savoured and enjoyed. I really don't have any clever solutions, but I imagine there are probably far more people than we ever realise who feel this way about Christmas. I hope that at the very least you have a peaceful 25th December and that a new job is on the horizon very soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you Luci
DeleteOh Dawn, it sounds as though Christmas isn't an easy time for you! Nothing that I can say, but my thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteEven though my depression is, at it's worst, moderate, I understand how it can sometimes feel difficult to be around people. I get that way. Even though I love my family very much, I often start to almost itch with the need to leave and get some quiet space to myself.
Big hugs and very much hoping that your work situation improves x
Thanks Amy xxx
DeleteI think there is such an expectation of enjoyment attached to Christmas, perfect families on TV etc that the reality, for a lot of people, is sadly lacking. Your childhood experiences are bound to have had a negative impact on you. I always think that for those of us who suffer depression and manage our conditions with routines and sometimes solitude, it is no wonder that Christmas is such a strain. Days feeling obliged to spend time with people perhaps even some we wouldn't always choose to be with, together with time outside our comfort zones are going to take their toll. As I am not religious, I guess I try and see Christmas as a time to show those who stand by me, how much I care. I enjoy buying or making gifts especially for them.
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what works for you. I'm glad you have the support of your partner. You are feeling very vulnerable at the moment, understandably so. You will find your strength and you will perform in future interviews. Just give yourself some time to heal. Look back, how far have you come? How many obstacles have you overcome? Many, I imagine, and you will again. xx
Thank you x
DeletePlease don't look at leaving your job as being on the 'scrapheap of life'. It isn't, it is a life-changing time, yes, but the possibilities are endless and you have time now to plan for them. Think of all the good things - no getting up at 4.00 am! Lots of time with Himself and BB. Time to do the things YOU want to do, not what you are expected to do.
ReplyDeleteChristmas is just a day on the calender - the first day of your new life?
Very true Jill, had a long chat with welfare lady and starting to look forward now xxx
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