Tis the Season to be
Christmas means only one thing for me, the enveloping decent of The Black Cloak of Depression and Paranoia.
The nearer it gets the more I feel my self spiraling downwards, I dread the impending day itself, I hate the build up to it and all the averts on the TV, there is just no escape from it!
My whole life I've had a dread of Christmas Day, I'm hard pushed to remember a time when I have ever enjoyed Christmas, even as a child. There was always the threat that if I didn't behave Father Christmas wouldn't bring me any presents, I really did try to be good, but I just couldn't help being a naughty little girl.
As a result I would go to bed on Christmas Eve in abject fear that Father Christmas wouldn't visit me.
Of course he always came, but in the morning I was told that he only filled my stocking as he couldn't fill my brothers and not mine, so I had better be grateful.
I'm sure this has scarred me for life!
For years when I was older, I would make a point of working over the Christmas period so I didn't have to be involved with it, or my family.
Then my son came along. I really did try to make an effort for him every year with a tree, a stocking and presents, but I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate the day with the rest of my family.
Luckily my family have always accepted my choice, but the guilt I feel is unbelievable. Himself is very understanding, so the day itself is just me and him. He's never asked me why, just accepted it. He will know why when he proof reads this post for me, and will no doubt think I'm most odd.
I can feel the panic rising already and it's still only November. I sometimes wonder if I actually have some sort of Phobia about Christmas to react the way I do.
What I do know for a fact is:- Every December my Depression is at it's worst, life changing things always seem to happen to me around Christmas and not in a good way.
This year is no exception, as I'm being chucked on the scrap heap of my working life on the 24th December.
On Christmas Day I will be unemployed!
I love my job, it has kept me clean and sober for 13 of the 15 years since I cleaned up my act. It has made me a stronger person and given me self respect. Losing my job is eating me up inside, I have no idea how to move forward I feel totally paralysed.
I recently went for a job interview and it was a very traumatic experience, I had to stop the car three times on the way there, as I was suffering so badly with Panic Attacks, as a result I gave a poor interview and didn't get the job. Not sure how many times I will be able to attend interviews if that keeps happening.
December is a difficult time for many people for a variety of reasons. I find the forced jolliness and commercialism of it all very difficult to deal with, it's just so much easier to give the celebrations a miss for my own sanity.