News at Last (sort of)

As many of you know the the last nine months have been pure torture for me, because my employer decided that I wasn't fit enough to do my job anymore. 

Yes I have severe Arthritis and yes it was a struggle to do my job, but I'm still able to do my job as a result of some reasonable adjustments that were put into place approx two years ago.

In those two years I have been happy in my work, and had very few sick days. In fact in nearly 13 years of working there, I have never hit the trigger point for disciplinary with my sick days.

I registered my Disabled status with my employer approx five years ago, as with all things computerised, systems get updated and Disability details needed to be re-entered, which I duly did as it's a legal requirement.

As a result of updating my details, I received a letter saying I needed to attend a medical, I have since attended several, all with the same result. 

I'm not fit to work!

I disagreed with these findings, due to the fact I was still at work and doing my job. So a meeting was called and I was interviewed by several people from various departments.

In June I completed all the paperwork for my Medical Retirement/Dismissal very reluctantly, and started my IT course to help me find another job.

As the months dragged on there was no news on the retirement/dismissal/job front and I'm still attending work full time. I would rather stay at work in a job I love, but I have come to accept it's for my own welfare these decisions have been made.

On the 30th October I received a letter stating I was being Medically Retired not Medically Dismissed, which is a massive relief, as I will be getting a small pension. If the findings had been for Medical Dismissal I would in a world of financial hardship, as you can imagine it was a huge relief!

I don't know when I will be actually retiring, there has been no mention. 

I'm still attending work!

It's got to the point that I've had enough! 

They got what they wanted, so just give me a leaving date and let me go! 

Tis the Season to be ????

Tis the Season to be Jolly Depressed.

Christmas  means only one thing for me, the enveloping decent of The Black Cloak of Depression and Paranoia.

The nearer it gets the more I feel my self spiraling downwards, I dread the impending day itself, I hate the build up to it and all the averts on the TV, there is just no escape from it!

My whole life I've had a dread of Christmas Day, I'm hard pushed to remember a time when I have ever enjoyed Christmas, even as a child. There was always the threat that if I didn't behave Father Christmas wouldn't bring me any presents, I really did try to be good, but I just couldn't help being a naughty little girl. 

As a result I would go to bed on Christmas Eve in abject fear that Father Christmas wouldn't visit me.

Of course he always came, but in the morning I was told that he only filled my stocking as he couldn't fill my brothers and not mine, so I had better be grateful.

I'm sure this has scarred me for life!

For years when I was older, I would make a point of working over the Christmas period so I didn't have to be involved with it, or my family. 

Then my son came along. I really did try to make an effort for him every year with a tree, a stocking and presents, but I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate the day with the rest of my family.

Luckily my family have always accepted my choice, but the guilt I feel is unbelievable. Himself is very understanding, so the day itself is just me and him. He's never asked me why, just accepted it. He will know why when he proof reads this post for me, and will no doubt think I'm most odd.

I can feel the panic rising already and it's still only November. I sometimes wonder if I actually have some sort of Phobia about Christmas to react the way I do.

What I do know for a fact is:- Every December my Depression is at it's worst, life changing things always seem to happen to me around Christmas and not in a good way.

This year is no exception, as I'm being chucked on the scrap heap of my working life on the 24th December. 

On Christmas Day I will be unemployed!

I love my job, it has kept me clean and sober for 13 of the 15 years since I cleaned up my act. It has made me a stronger person and given me self respect. Losing my job is eating me up inside, I have no idea how to move forward I feel totally paralysed.

I recently went for a job interview and it was a very traumatic experience, I had to stop the car three times on the way there, as I was suffering so badly with Panic Attacks, as a result I gave a poor interview and didn't get the job. Not sure how many times I will be able to attend interviews if that keeps happening.

December is a difficult time for many people for a variety of reasons. I find the forced jolliness and commercialism of it all very difficult to deal with, it's just so much easier to give the celebrations a miss for my own sanity. 

Daft as a Brush

Sometimes I'm so Stupid!

Last week I decided that I would start posting my Silent Sunday pictures back on this blog, to give you all a weekly break from my constant moaning.

So what do I do? 
I go and post it on Just Look and You Will See again!! So head over  there and check it out if you came here looking for it. I was confused, the linky came out early this week. If you follow me regularly, you will know this is actually not that surprising.

Being as I'm sat here writing this post I'll update you on the Job situation.

I got it. I got Medical Retirement and not Medical Dismissal. What a relief I can tell you.

So I'll be unemployed after 24th December, what will I do with myself? 

Maybe I will finally get to the bottom of that forever growing pile of ironing, who knows, but I doubt it.

I have no idea how I will survive financially. I have no real qualifications to get myself a decent job, although I did take my GCSE's in Maths and English three years ago, getting an A Star for both.

I may go back to collage, I have plans for a business, but can I do it on my own?

Or I might just sit down and watch every single episode of  "Lost"  again, now that sounds like a plan!

I'm not happy I am being retired off like some knackered old horse, but retirement gives me so many more choices than dismissal would have.

What will the future hold? 
I have absolutely no chuffin' idea, but it's really, really scary...

Getting Very Bored Now!

Went to the Doctor to see if I could get signed as "Fit for Work" today. 

No such luck, got to have another week off, as I have to have my medication reduced. I'm so bored now it's starting to really get on my wick! 

Crikey, I even resorted to making a massive dent in the leaning tower of ironing! 

Yep I know, using foul language isn't very nice I apologise.

Not a lot is happening here, tomorrow I get to wait in for the man to come and rewire the shaver light. He wired it all wrong, so it will only charge if you leave the light on, so it means we've had to leave the bathroom light on overnight just to charge the toothbrushes, how annoying is that!

On Friday I'm getting a haircut Whoopy Do!

Chinks of Light and De-Cluttering

Last week I got signed off work with Depression, now my sick days have shot through the roof, which will no doubt mean a meeting without coffee with my new Line Manager. 

Yes, I have another one. This is the third since the the whole process of me being Medically Retired/Dismissed started up in February!

The first couple of days I felt pretty upset about the whole thing. Then on the Sunday I went to Redhill with Himself, for the presentation of his award for doing over 500 voluntary hours as a Community First Responder. 

The Black Cloak

It's here again, the enveloping black cloak of Depression and Paranoia, wrapping itself tightly around me.

 

I can feel it suffocating me as the O.C.D is taking over my life again. I'm exhausted with constant obsessive thoughts racing around my head. I'm struggling to be civil to people, I don't want to talk to them, and I certainly don't want them talking to me. I just want to stay at home where it's safe, I don't want to go out and face the world. I just want to be left alone.

A Step in the Right Direction

On Saturday it was Godalming Town Show, I really wanted to go, but   Himself was volunteering on the St John, Community First Responder stand, which meant I would have to go alone.

I rarely go out alone as I suffer crippling Social Phobia, after much faffing about and giving myself a stern talking too, I brushed off  Badger Boo and we set off in the car.

When we got to the carpark, we sat down and had a rest for about half an hour, whilst I built up the courage to face the crowds.

Tardy Blogger

Seems like an age since I last updated my Blog, but in fact it has only been a week, but the longest week of my life!

Finally got the result of those Medicals, a report that doesn't make pleasant reading I can tell you.

Got told by my Boss "If any more reasonable adjustments were required, then I would be getting my P45 so I can sit on the sofa all the time.

Which was well out of order, and resulted in several nasty Panic Attacks this week, due I think, to the fact I've been mega stressed

about this whole process.

I won't bore you to death with the whole story, but as a result I've now received a massive pile of paperwork to wade through, as they

Knitting and Crochet

I needed to do something to keep my hands supple as I have really bad Arthritis in them.

My Granny taught me to knit and crochet as a child, and I thought it would be good to do it again for my hands. But when I looked into lessons they were so expensive!

I saw on twitter that a Stitch & Bitch group had started in my area and was having it's second meeting that night.

So I dug out some needles and wool and had a go, I didn't want to turn up if I'd forgotten how to do it.

I was quite pleased with my first effort.

So then came the hard bit, actually getting there as I suffer from 

Panic Attacks, I did get there, and met some wonderful people who made me feel most welcome.

Mad as a Box of Frogs

Last week I went for my medical about my fitness to carry on working, and boy was that a waste of time!

Himself had to come with me as I find it far to stressful to go to new places on my own. 
Had to travel all the way to Portsmouth, and it then took me 25 minutes to hobble to the building where my medical was taking place from the train station.

By the time we got there, I was in serious pain and could barely walk. Thankfully there was a lift, so no stairs because I really don't think I could have walked up them if there were!

As I booked in 15 minutes before my appointment, this woman came out and said "Are you Dawn? I want to get this started as I want to go home"

We followed her in shocked silence, as this is my future we were there to discuss. Not some minor medical matter!

She didn't seem to know exactly why I was there, luckily I had taken my previous medical reports which as she read, spent the whole time singing in a rather flat tone "Dum Dee Dum Dee Dee" and doing it even when typing her report.

The whole time I'm sitting there feeling like I'm facing "The Executioner" 

She was very unsettling and hardly asked me any questions, just looked at my repeat prescription form and said  "I don't understand how you can be here and awake on Morphine and all your other drugs"

I replied "Because I've just got to get on with life, haven't I" in a rather aggressive tone, so Himself informed me when we left. Oops!!!

I'm not going to bore you with the whole interview although it was rather too short I felt for such an important matter!

She couldn't make a decision, so now I've been referred to see a Doctor for yet another medical, I can't believe how much I'm being jerked around. I'm happy to work, I've never complained about not being able to manage my job.

This whole process is so very very stressful!!!

It's making me feel totally unwell, I'm unable to sleep because of the worry of losing my job and how I will support myself!

Hopefully the Doctor I have to see, will be able to finally make a decision so I can get on with the rest of my life!!!

A Change is good, isn't it?

A change is good isn't it? 

I sure hope so, I've been messing around with the settings and lost the layout the I liked for this Blog!

OMG I can tell you that is not good when you suffer from O.C.D. as badly as I do!

I've spent several hours trying to get things back to how they were without success. So in the end I decided to go for something completely different, that way I'm not going to be looking at it all the time and getting worrying thoughts.

It all started when I created a new Blog for Badger Boo, to stop

Grumpy Bear

After the good mood of last week and everybodies lovely support from going out, I'm sad to say things aren't going so well this week!

I'm back to being exhausted, withdrawn, paranoid, craving the solitude and letting my O.C.D.  take over as it makes me feel so safe.

I wish I knew why these feelings happen, although I suspect it has
something to do with the fact I have to have a medical at the end of this month, to see if I'm fit enough to go back to work. It also mentioned about what would happen if I couldn't go back to work.

Go back to work, bloody cheek of it!!!!

I've only had 9 days sick in the last 12 months, and I suspect it is an excuse to get rid of me to save money!

Consequently I have been spending a fair amount of time worrying about whether I will have a job for much longer, and if not how will I support myself?

It's really hard to explain the totally feeling of dread that has blanketed me at the moment, but it is like all emotion has been sucked out of me and I'm just an empty shell.

The feeling of dread as I drive to work, gets stronger and stronger as I draw nearer, and doesn't start to lift until I am back at home.

Although each time it lifts, it lifts a little less, and that wall I built around myself is getting higher and higher!

Only time will tell how long this latest episode will last, but I hope for my family's sake it doesn't last too long!

"Baby Steps" and "Panic Attacks"

Last night I took the bull by the horns, and went out alone to meet people I don't know in a pub. 

As a Recovering Alcoholic with Social Phobia it was a massive thing for me to do!!!

I've wanted to relearn knitting for some time now, to keep my hands flexible with the Arthritis, I've made enquires about private lessons but the cost was way beyond my budget, so I had to give up on that idea.

Whilst browsing twitter yesterday, I stumbled across a retweet about something called "Stitch 'n' Bitch" at The Snug Bar in Godalming.

Question to self:- 

I live in Godalming, I've been to The Snug Bar.

Could I really overcome my panic attacks and pluck up the courage to go?

Answer:-

If I want to do it, it's only myself holding me back!!!

Funny thing is, anybody that knows me thinks I'm a confident