Tis the Season to be ????

Tis the Season to be Jolly Depressed.

Christmas  means only one thing for me, the enveloping decent of The Black Cloak of Depression and Paranoia.

The nearer it gets the more I feel my self spiraling downwards, I dread the impending day itself, I hate the build up to it and all the averts on the TV, there is just no escape from it!

My whole life I've had a dread of Christmas Day, I'm hard pushed to remember a time when I have ever enjoyed Christmas, even as a child. There was always the threat that if I didn't behave Father Christmas wouldn't bring me any presents, I really did try to be good, but I just couldn't help being a naughty little girl. 

As a result I would go to bed on Christmas Eve in abject fear that Father Christmas wouldn't visit me.

Of course he always came, but in the morning I was told that he only filled my stocking as he couldn't fill my brothers and not mine, so I had better be grateful.

I'm sure this has scarred me for life!

For years when I was older, I would make a point of working over the Christmas period so I didn't have to be involved with it, or my family. 

Then my son came along. I really did try to make an effort for him every year with a tree, a stocking and presents, but I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate the day with the rest of my family.

Luckily my family have always accepted my choice, but the guilt I feel is unbelievable. Himself is very understanding, so the day itself is just me and him. He's never asked me why, just accepted it. He will know why when he proof reads this post for me, and will no doubt think I'm most odd.

I can feel the panic rising already and it's still only November. I sometimes wonder if I actually have some sort of Phobia about Christmas to react the way I do.

What I do know for a fact is:- Every December my Depression is at it's worst, life changing things always seem to happen to me around Christmas and not in a good way.

This year is no exception, as I'm being chucked on the scrap heap of my working life on the 24th December. 

On Christmas Day I will be unemployed!

I love my job, it has kept me clean and sober for 13 of the 15 years since I cleaned up my act. It has made me a stronger person and given me self respect. Losing my job is eating me up inside, I have no idea how to move forward I feel totally paralysed.

I recently went for a job interview and it was a very traumatic experience, I had to stop the car three times on the way there, as I was suffering so badly with Panic Attacks, as a result I gave a poor interview and didn't get the job. Not sure how many times I will be able to attend interviews if that keeps happening.

December is a difficult time for many people for a variety of reasons. I find the forced jolliness and commercialism of it all very difficult to deal with, it's just so much easier to give the celebrations a miss for my own sanity. 

I Hate Technology!

Here I am trapped at home bored out of my skull, my back is so painful I can't do anything, especially that huge pile of ironing that just keeps growing in the spare room.

 Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm not brilliant on the computer so part of my re-training with this whole Job/Medical Retirement/Dismissal thing was to do an IT course, to enable me to find some sort of admin job.

Photo Credit

The boredom was becoming so overwhelming I decided to be clever and start my IT computer course at home to give me something to do, it had all been set up at the Education Center and I'd made a

start on it there, so I knew how it all worked, so I logs in and reads all the bumph and then click the "continue my learning" button.

A Cunning Plan *but still no answers*

It seems like an absolute age since I last had some news to update on the Job/Medical Retirement/Dismissal interviews.

On Wednesday had another long train Journey this time to Portsmouth. 

HMS Warrior

On the Turn of a Sixpence

You've probably heard the expression "On the Turn of a Sixpence"

Well this week our lives changed overnight! 

I can't go into too much medical detail at present, as Himself is still in hospital and I've not told him I'm writing this, so feel it would be unfair on him, but I really need to write about it.

On Tuesday Himself went into hospital for a routine operation involving an overnight stay, all went well, he was in recovery and I made my way to hospital to meet up with him on the ward. 

When I arrived at approx 1930hrs I was told he was still in recovery and to wait in the day room, so I waited, and I waited, and I waited.

Eventually I was allowed to see him at approx 2330hrs and was warned he was still in a lot of pain. 

A lot of pain, was a complete understatement! 

Who ate all the Pies?

The diet has been pushed aside over the last few months, far too much stress in my life over whether or not I was going to lose my job, than to be worrying about what I've been eating, and then getting a telling off by the nurse at the "Fat Clinic"

Although the job situation still hasn't been resolved, I'm more relaxed about the situation as I'm now being kept in the loop about what is happening.

My joints have been giving me some serious pain of late, so thought I had better check out my weight on the scales. 

A Strange Week

I have had the strangest week.

Monday:-  I made what has become the normal round of phone calls, trying to find out what the heck is going on with my job!

Tuesday:-  My back and neck were agony, so had to come home from work early and go to the Doctors, she thinks I may have a spur on my  neck trapping the nerves and making my hands feel all numb and tingly, so need an x-ray doing for that. In fact just remembered, I've still not phoned to make an appointment.

Wednesday:-  What a grotty day at work, with my back still playing up and I was trying to keep my temper as best I could, as a

A Change is good, isn't it?

A change is good isn't it? 

I sure hope so, I've been messing around with the settings and lost the layout the I liked for this Blog!

OMG I can tell you that is not good when you suffer from O.C.D. as badly as I do!

I've spent several hours trying to get things back to how they were without success. So in the end I decided to go for something completely different, that way I'm not going to be looking at it all the time and getting worrying thoughts.

It all started when I created a new Blog for Badger Boo, to stop

Far to Tired to Care

Today is one of those days where I've had just about enough!!!

I'm sick of being in pain!!!


Sick of people around me thinking they know what is best for me!!!

Unless you have been here, you have no idea how relentless and debilitating pain can be!!!

Yes I'm grumpy today!!!

I'm grumpy because certain people are voicing their opinions!!!


Insinuating I sit around doing nothing all day!!!!

It is very, very hard to keep going when every movement causes excruciating pain!!!


But I do keep going, because if I stop, I'd stop forever!!!


Don't judge me, when all you know is what you think you know!!!

Believe me, you don't know even half of it!!!

If you are reading this, you know who you are!!!


I suggest you keep your stinking nose, out of my business!!!


At least get your facts right before dictating to me!!!

Rant over