Where Has The Time Gone?

It seems like an age since I last updated here, although I have managed to keep up with my photography posts and Badger Boo's posts The time is flying by and Retirement is good, I'm getting loads done, I've even caught up with the dreaded pile of ironing that has been bugging me for the last 18 months.

 I've come to realise that it was my job that was causing me the most of the problems in my life. So in fact they have done me a huge favour. I really miss the people and interaction, but the freedom I have now is amazing!

My house is now reasonably tidy, I've done a huge amount of de-cluttering and cleaning. I walk Badger Boo every most days now, and we have been having some great fun in the snow. Boy was I glad that I didn't have to drive to work in that this year.

I have completed several knitting projects and have started some new ones. The best one is:-  Himself's daughter  asked me to knit a little cardigan for her daughter, which is turning out to be quite a challenge as it's so small, I'm used to knitting stuff for myself the size of a 12x12 tent! The stitch is so pretty, personally I think it would look nicer in a cream or white, but she asked for pink so pink it is.

I now volunteer twice a week at The British Heart Foundation Charity shop which is great fun but jolly hard work, I have been sorting out the donations and it is pretty manual work, so by the time I leave I'm shattered but in a good way.

I've started a lunchtime knitting/social group in my local area, meeting weekly on a Wednesday from 1130 until 1430 details can be found here, and there is also a facebook group for it too. The numbers are small at the moment, but hopefully as time passes and word gets around we will grow.

So now, instead of there just being chinks of light in my life, it feels like somebody has ripped open the curtains, and the light is flooding in. I'm still in a lot of pain, but at least now I can take it easy when I need too, and get up and go when I want too. 

Life is good now, the diet has slipped a bit lately and I daren't stand on the scales, but who cares? I don't at the moment, maybe next week I'll knuckle down to it again, watch this space...

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Return to Work Today ~ But Not Me

How strange it feels that everyone is going back to work today. My diary is full of things to do this week, but as I sit here I feel strangely odd.

I can't get my motivation going.

 I phoned work for a chat to find out where my last pay slip was, as it hasn't arrived yet. Although my last pay check thankfully went into the bank on time. I went to the hospital this morning to see the Pysio-Terrorist who is pleased with my progress and discharged me, so my back is apparently much better now, I beg to differ, but I've had my six appointments.

Oh and I've also emptied the airing cupboard.

So what to do now I wonder?

Badger Boo is out with his Walker so he is having some fun with all his buddies, hope he doesn't roll in any Fox Poop, I don't feel up to giving him a bath today.

When I say I feel odd, it is hard to describe. I never realised what a massive part of my life work and the people there were to me. There was always someone to talk too or something to do, and as I sit here the only things I feel is bored and lonely, there is no one to phone and the TV is rubbish. Work certainly kept me entertained!

I've tried to do my coursework this morning, but I find it so boring, and do I really need to do it now? I could try to figure out how to write a CV I suppose. 

Whatever happened to the days when you saw a job, went for an interview and either got it or didn't? I went into a local retail shop before Christmas that had a job advertised in the window, I spoke to the manageress and was told to hand in a CV, even though we'd spoken for about 15 minutes. I haven't handed one in, as I haven't the faintest idea how to write one, and the job is still advertised! 

I can sell just about anything, I have the cheek to always get a discount and I have the "Gift of the Gab" so why should it matter whether or not I can write a stupid CV? 

I can't wait for tonight, cos its Stitch 'n' Bitch night at The Star, Godalming, so at least I will be out and about chatting to my friends. Think I'll go and make myself some Lunch now, then maybe go and have a look at that massive pile of ironing, I may even get around to doing some of it...

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Tis the Season to be ????

Tis the Season to be Jolly Depressed.

Christmas  means only one thing for me, the enveloping decent of The Black Cloak of Depression and Paranoia.

The nearer it gets the more I feel my self spiraling downwards, I dread the impending day itself, I hate the build up to it and all the averts on the TV, there is just no escape from it!

My whole life I've had a dread of Christmas Day, I'm hard pushed to remember a time when I have ever enjoyed Christmas, even as a child. There was always the threat that if I didn't behave Father Christmas wouldn't bring me any presents, I really did try to be good, but I just couldn't help being a naughty little girl. 

As a result I would go to bed on Christmas Eve in abject fear that Father Christmas wouldn't visit me.

Of course he always came, but in the morning I was told that he only filled my stocking as he couldn't fill my brothers and not mine, so I had better be grateful.

I'm sure this has scarred me for life!

For years when I was older, I would make a point of working over the Christmas period so I didn't have to be involved with it, or my family. 

Then my son came along. I really did try to make an effort for him every year with a tree, a stocking and presents, but I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate the day with the rest of my family.

Luckily my family have always accepted my choice, but the guilt I feel is unbelievable. Himself is very understanding, so the day itself is just me and him. He's never asked me why, just accepted it. He will know why when he proof reads this post for me, and will no doubt think I'm most odd.

I can feel the panic rising already and it's still only November. I sometimes wonder if I actually have some sort of Phobia about Christmas to react the way I do.

What I do know for a fact is:- Every December my Depression is at it's worst, life changing things always seem to happen to me around Christmas and not in a good way.

This year is no exception, as I'm being chucked on the scrap heap of my working life on the 24th December. 

On Christmas Day I will be unemployed!

I love my job, it has kept me clean and sober for 13 of the 15 years since I cleaned up my act. It has made me a stronger person and given me self respect. Losing my job is eating me up inside, I have no idea how to move forward I feel totally paralysed.

I recently went for a job interview and it was a very traumatic experience, I had to stop the car three times on the way there, as I was suffering so badly with Panic Attacks, as a result I gave a poor interview and didn't get the job. Not sure how many times I will be able to attend interviews if that keeps happening.

December is a difficult time for many people for a variety of reasons. I find the forced jolliness and commercialism of it all very difficult to deal with, it's just so much easier to give the celebrations a miss for my own sanity. 

Getting Very Bored Now!

Went to the Doctor to see if I could get signed as "Fit for Work" today. 

No such luck, got to have another week off, as I have to have my medication reduced. I'm so bored now it's starting to really get on my wick! 

Crikey, I even resorted to making a massive dent in the leaning tower of ironing! 

Yep I know, using foul language isn't very nice I apologise.

Not a lot is happening here, tomorrow I get to wait in for the man to come and rewire the shaver light. He wired it all wrong, so it will only charge if you leave the light on, so it means we've had to leave the bathroom light on overnight just to charge the toothbrushes, how annoying is that!

On Friday I'm getting a haircut Whoopy Do!

Chinks of Light and De-Cluttering

Last week I got signed off work with Depression, now my sick days have shot through the roof, which will no doubt mean a meeting without coffee with my new Line Manager. 

Yes, I have another one. This is the third since the the whole process of me being Medically Retired/Dismissed started up in February!

The first couple of days I felt pretty upset about the whole thing. Then on the Sunday I went to Redhill with Himself, for the presentation of his award for doing over 500 voluntary hours as a Community First Responder. 

The Black Cloak

It's here again, the enveloping black cloak of Depression and Paranoia, wrapping itself tightly around me.

 

I can feel it suffocating me as the O.C.D is taking over my life again. I'm exhausted with constant obsessive thoughts racing around my head. I'm struggling to be civil to people, I don't want to talk to them, and I certainly don't want them talking to me. I just want to stay at home where it's safe, I don't want to go out and face the world. I just want to be left alone.

My Brain is Mush

I'm so behind on my blogging it's driving me crazy, I want to write  more in-depth individual reviews about the places we visited on the Isle of Wight on our holiday, as I have some amazing pictures and videos.

I had plans to do an ongoing post about the allotment and how it's growing, I've not even started that one yet and it's nearly Autumn now, so that will have to wait for next year.

I really want to do a review of the Sculpture Park in Churt as it's an amazing place, again I have some amazing pictures of the sculptures. Badger Boo has written his, which can be viewed here although his view of the world is slightly different from the rest of us.

Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off!

"Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off!"

Have you ever heard those words as a roller-coaster sets off when someone changes their mind? 

That's exactly how my life has been feeling for the past few weeks, the pain in my back is becoming unbearable! I can barely do anything at the moment. I can feel the big black cloud of Depression pushing it's way back into my brain. 

 The house is a mess as I struggle to keep on top of things. We've been eating processed food **muck** as I can't stand long enough to cook, just walking around the in house is absolute agony. How I wish we had a downstairs toilet, I stand at the bottom of the stairs and they look like an impossible challenge, it can take me several minutes to climb them, so I'm now spending a lot of time upstairs to avoid the climb. 

All this extra back pain is on top of the Arthritis pain in my knees, hands and joints. My

Cabin Fever

As I enter week two of being signed off work I am totally bored to tears! Being off work is not good for me, my back feels worse and I can feel my knee's seizing up a bit more as each day pass's.

I need to keep active both mentally and physically, and I'm so frustrated with my restrictions at the moment. Went food shopping with Himself yesterday, which was the first time I'd set foot out of the house since last Monday when I bumped into Lesley aka the  Mad Dog Woman of Shackleford.

Luckily I'm the sort of person that is happy with the peace and quite of my own company, I'm usually fairly adept at keeping myself occupied, plus I also had the delightful Badger Boo to keep me entertained, although he's still going out with his Dog Walker daily, as I think it would be unfair to keep him confined as well.

Who ate all the Pies?

The diet has been pushed aside over the last few months, far too much stress in my life over whether or not I was going to lose my job, than to be worrying about what I've been eating, and then getting a telling off by the nurse at the "Fat Clinic"

Although the job situation still hasn't been resolved, I'm more relaxed about the situation as I'm now being kept in the loop about what is happening.

My joints have been giving me some serious pain of late, so thought I had better check out my weight on the scales. 

Grumpy Bear

After the good mood of last week and everybodies lovely support from going out, I'm sad to say things aren't going so well this week!

I'm back to being exhausted, withdrawn, paranoid, craving the solitude and letting my O.C.D.  take over as it makes me feel so safe.

I wish I knew why these feelings happen, although I suspect it has
something to do with the fact I have to have a medical at the end of this month, to see if I'm fit enough to go back to work. It also mentioned about what would happen if I couldn't go back to work.

Go back to work, bloody cheek of it!!!!

I've only had 9 days sick in the last 12 months, and I suspect it is an excuse to get rid of me to save money!

Consequently I have been spending a fair amount of time worrying about whether I will have a job for much longer, and if not how will I support myself?

It's really hard to explain the totally feeling of dread that has blanketed me at the moment, but it is like all emotion has been sucked out of me and I'm just an empty shell.

The feeling of dread as I drive to work, gets stronger and stronger as I draw nearer, and doesn't start to lift until I am back at home.

Although each time it lifts, it lifts a little less, and that wall I built around myself is getting higher and higher!

Only time will tell how long this latest episode will last, but I hope for my family's sake it doesn't last too long!

"Baby Steps" and "Panic Attacks"

Last night I took the bull by the horns, and went out alone to meet people I don't know in a pub. 

As a Recovering Alcoholic with Social Phobia it was a massive thing for me to do!!!

I've wanted to relearn knitting for some time now, to keep my hands flexible with the Arthritis, I've made enquires about private lessons but the cost was way beyond my budget, so I had to give up on that idea.

Whilst browsing twitter yesterday, I stumbled across a retweet about something called "Stitch 'n' Bitch" at The Snug Bar in Godalming.

Question to self:- 

I live in Godalming, I've been to The Snug Bar.

Could I really overcome my panic attacks and pluck up the courage to go?

Answer:-

If I want to do it, it's only myself holding me back!!!

Funny thing is, anybody that knows me thinks I'm a confident