News at Last (sort of)

As many of you know the the last nine months have been pure torture for me, because my employer decided that I wasn't fit enough to do my job anymore. 

Yes I have severe Arthritis and yes it was a struggle to do my job, but I'm still able to do my job as a result of some reasonable adjustments that were put into place approx two years ago.

In those two years I have been happy in my work, and had very few sick days. In fact in nearly 13 years of working there, I have never hit the trigger point for disciplinary with my sick days.

I registered my Disabled status with my employer approx five years ago, as with all things computerised, systems get updated and Disability details needed to be re-entered, which I duly did as it's a legal requirement.

As a result of updating my details, I received a letter saying I needed to attend a medical, I have since attended several, all with the same result. 

I'm not fit to work!

I disagreed with these findings, due to the fact I was still at work and doing my job. So a meeting was called and I was interviewed by several people from various departments.

In June I completed all the paperwork for my Medical Retirement/Dismissal very reluctantly, and started my IT course to help me find another job.

As the months dragged on there was no news on the retirement/dismissal/job front and I'm still attending work full time. I would rather stay at work in a job I love, but I have come to accept it's for my own welfare these decisions have been made.

On the 30th October I received a letter stating I was being Medically Retired not Medically Dismissed, which is a massive relief, as I will be getting a small pension. If the findings had been for Medical Dismissal I would in a world of financial hardship, as you can imagine it was a huge relief!

I don't know when I will be actually retiring, there has been no mention. 

I'm still attending work!

It's got to the point that I've had enough! 

They got what they wanted, so just give me a leaving date and let me go! 

Tis the Season to be ????

Tis the Season to be Jolly Depressed.

Christmas  means only one thing for me, the enveloping decent of The Black Cloak of Depression and Paranoia.

The nearer it gets the more I feel my self spiraling downwards, I dread the impending day itself, I hate the build up to it and all the averts on the TV, there is just no escape from it!

My whole life I've had a dread of Christmas Day, I'm hard pushed to remember a time when I have ever enjoyed Christmas, even as a child. There was always the threat that if I didn't behave Father Christmas wouldn't bring me any presents, I really did try to be good, but I just couldn't help being a naughty little girl. 

As a result I would go to bed on Christmas Eve in abject fear that Father Christmas wouldn't visit me.

Of course he always came, but in the morning I was told that he only filled my stocking as he couldn't fill my brothers and not mine, so I had better be grateful.

I'm sure this has scarred me for life!

For years when I was older, I would make a point of working over the Christmas period so I didn't have to be involved with it, or my family. 

Then my son came along. I really did try to make an effort for him every year with a tree, a stocking and presents, but I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate the day with the rest of my family.

Luckily my family have always accepted my choice, but the guilt I feel is unbelievable. Himself is very understanding, so the day itself is just me and him. He's never asked me why, just accepted it. He will know why when he proof reads this post for me, and will no doubt think I'm most odd.

I can feel the panic rising already and it's still only November. I sometimes wonder if I actually have some sort of Phobia about Christmas to react the way I do.

What I do know for a fact is:- Every December my Depression is at it's worst, life changing things always seem to happen to me around Christmas and not in a good way.

This year is no exception, as I'm being chucked on the scrap heap of my working life on the 24th December. 

On Christmas Day I will be unemployed!

I love my job, it has kept me clean and sober for 13 of the 15 years since I cleaned up my act. It has made me a stronger person and given me self respect. Losing my job is eating me up inside, I have no idea how to move forward I feel totally paralysed.

I recently went for a job interview and it was a very traumatic experience, I had to stop the car three times on the way there, as I was suffering so badly with Panic Attacks, as a result I gave a poor interview and didn't get the job. Not sure how many times I will be able to attend interviews if that keeps happening.

December is a difficult time for many people for a variety of reasons. I find the forced jolliness and commercialism of it all very difficult to deal with, it's just so much easier to give the celebrations a miss for my own sanity. 

Getting Very Bored Now!

Went to the Doctor to see if I could get signed as "Fit for Work" today. 

No such luck, got to have another week off, as I have to have my medication reduced. I'm so bored now it's starting to really get on my wick! 

Crikey, I even resorted to making a massive dent in the leaning tower of ironing! 

Yep I know, using foul language isn't very nice I apologise.

Not a lot is happening here, tomorrow I get to wait in for the man to come and rewire the shaver light. He wired it all wrong, so it will only charge if you leave the light on, so it means we've had to leave the bathroom light on overnight just to charge the toothbrushes, how annoying is that!

On Friday I'm getting a haircut Whoopy Do!

Chinks of Light and De-Cluttering

Last week I got signed off work with Depression, now my sick days have shot through the roof, which will no doubt mean a meeting without coffee with my new Line Manager. 

Yes, I have another one. This is the third since the the whole process of me being Medically Retired/Dismissed started up in February!

The first couple of days I felt pretty upset about the whole thing. Then on the Sunday I went to Redhill with Himself, for the presentation of his award for doing over 500 voluntary hours as a Community First Responder. 

The Black Cloak

It's here again, the enveloping black cloak of Depression and Paranoia, wrapping itself tightly around me.

 

I can feel it suffocating me as the O.C.D is taking over my life again. I'm exhausted with constant obsessive thoughts racing around my head. I'm struggling to be civil to people, I don't want to talk to them, and I certainly don't want them talking to me. I just want to stay at home where it's safe, I don't want to go out and face the world. I just want to be left alone.