Ye Olde Town of Godalming Christmas Lights

Pictures were taken on my mobile phone, some are from last year as they are better than the ones I took this year.

Tis the Season to be ????

Tis the Season to be Jolly Depressed.

Christmas  means only one thing for me, the enveloping decent of The Black Cloak of Depression and Paranoia.

The nearer it gets the more I feel my self spiraling downwards, I dread the impending day itself, I hate the build up to it and all the averts on the TV, there is just no escape from it!

My whole life I've had a dread of Christmas Day, I'm hard pushed to remember a time when I have ever enjoyed Christmas, even as a child. There was always the threat that if I didn't behave Father Christmas wouldn't bring me any presents, I really did try to be good, but I just couldn't help being a naughty little girl. 

As a result I would go to bed on Christmas Eve in abject fear that Father Christmas wouldn't visit me.

Of course he always came, but in the morning I was told that he only filled my stocking as he couldn't fill my brothers and not mine, so I had better be grateful.

I'm sure this has scarred me for life!

For years when I was older, I would make a point of working over the Christmas period so I didn't have to be involved with it, or my family. 

Then my son came along. I really did try to make an effort for him every year with a tree, a stocking and presents, but I still couldn't bring myself to celebrate the day with the rest of my family.

Luckily my family have always accepted my choice, but the guilt I feel is unbelievable. Himself is very understanding, so the day itself is just me and him. He's never asked me why, just accepted it. He will know why when he proof reads this post for me, and will no doubt think I'm most odd.

I can feel the panic rising already and it's still only November. I sometimes wonder if I actually have some sort of Phobia about Christmas to react the way I do.

What I do know for a fact is:- Every December my Depression is at it's worst, life changing things always seem to happen to me around Christmas and not in a good way.

This year is no exception, as I'm being chucked on the scrap heap of my working life on the 24th December. 

On Christmas Day I will be unemployed!

I love my job, it has kept me clean and sober for 13 of the 15 years since I cleaned up my act. It has made me a stronger person and given me self respect. Losing my job is eating me up inside, I have no idea how to move forward I feel totally paralysed.

I recently went for a job interview and it was a very traumatic experience, I had to stop the car three times on the way there, as I was suffering so badly with Panic Attacks, as a result I gave a poor interview and didn't get the job. Not sure how many times I will be able to attend interviews if that keeps happening.

December is a difficult time for many people for a variety of reasons. I find the forced jolliness and commercialism of it all very difficult to deal with, it's just so much easier to give the celebrations a miss for my own sanity. 

Daft as a Brush

Sometimes I'm so Stupid!

Last week I decided that I would start posting my Silent Sunday pictures back on this blog, to give you all a weekly break from my constant moaning.

So what do I do? 
I go and post it on Just Look and You Will See again!! So head over  there and check it out if you came here looking for it. I was confused, the linky came out early this week. If you follow me regularly, you will know this is actually not that surprising.

Being as I'm sat here writing this post I'll update you on the Job situation.

I got it. I got Medical Retirement and not Medical Dismissal. What a relief I can tell you.

So I'll be unemployed after 24th December, what will I do with myself? 

Maybe I will finally get to the bottom of that forever growing pile of ironing, who knows, but I doubt it.

I have no idea how I will survive financially. I have no real qualifications to get myself a decent job, although I did take my GCSE's in Maths and English three years ago, getting an A Star for both.

I may go back to collage, I have plans for a business, but can I do it on my own?

Or I might just sit down and watch every single episode of  "Lost"  again, now that sounds like a plan!

I'm not happy I am being retired off like some knackered old horse, but retirement gives me so many more choices than dismissal would have.

What will the future hold? 
I have absolutely no chuffin' idea, but it's really, really scary...

Silent Sunday

Your Beautiful ~ Nature

Discovered this Linky on the Lesley's blog and thought what a brilliant theme so I hopped over to Cheetahs in my Shoes to join in.

To me there is nothing more Beautiful than nature itself, it's always there if you just take the time to open your eyes to look and see.

Here are just a few of the things I find beautiful in nature, I hope you do too.

 

I know there are a lot of pictures, but once I got started looking through the album I just couldn't choose, but I have managed to cut it down to my most favorites.

The beauty of nature is always out there, and best of all it's free for everyone to see and enjoy.

Silent Sunday

Saturday Caption #SatCap

Its amazing what you find in shops these days!

Can you think of a suitable caption?

Now head over to Mammasaurus to check out other pictures needing captions.

The Gallery 123 ~ The Eighties

The theme for The Gallery this week is The Eighties.

What can I say apart from "My god I was skinny"

How depressing is that!!!

Luckily for me, I was not a follower of fashion, so no fashion faux paux  for me, apart from the odd dodgy haircut and the idiot that I wasted my youth on!

I was much more interested in riding horses and showing my dogs, no Ronhills, White Stiletto's and dancing round a handbag for me.

Although I do still have a pair of black suede 4" stiletto's hidden somewhere in the back of the wardrobe. I actually used to be able to run in those. 

When we moved house 10 years ago I put them on and couldn't even walk across the room in them, how times have changed.

So the only pics I have from the 80's are these dodgy haircuts.

So let the mickey taking begin...

Pop over to Sticky Fingers and check out other peoples dodgy 80's pictures.