Wednesday, 19 September 2012

The Black Cloak

It's here again, the enveloping black cloak of Depression and Paranoia, wrapping itself tightly around me.

 

I can feel it suffocating me as the O.C.D is taking over my life again. I'm exhausted with constant obsessive thoughts racing around my head. I'm struggling to be civil to people, I don't want to talk to them, and I certainly don't want them talking to me. I just want to stay at home where it's safe, I don't want to go out and face the world. I just want to be left alone.

It feels like everyone is out to get me, my job situation is still not sorted. This has been going on since February, I can't make any plans for the future as I don't know how I will stand financially.

Photo Credit
There is a saying "Just because your Paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you" well in my case they really are. 

I keep getting told I'm not fit enough to do my job, yet I'm still doing it, and until all the stress of this started I was doing it bloody well, now I am just attending.

As a result of all this stress the Panic Attacks are back, how I hate them, so far I have managed to overcome and carry on instead of running away and hiding, but not sure how much longer I can fight them. 

My thoughts and emotions are all over the place which is really getting me down, and then to top it all the pain in my back is no better, which is so debilitating.

Right... I've had my whinge about it now, tomorrow I will plaster that stupid grin and go out to face the world again.

**resigned sigh**


22 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling. When you leave comments on my blog I always think how wise, kind and strong you must be. Hold on to that. You know you can get through this. You will not be beaten. Sending you love. xxx

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    1. Thank you Emily's Mum, I have just been over onto your blog, sorry you are having such a rough time, makes me feel guilty for my minor moans xxx

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    2. Your troubles are not minor and you have nothing to feel guilty about xxxxx

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  2. You are doing really well to keep going to the job that is getting you down so much when you feel the way you do, but thats a good thing i think as you still have fight in you and not let this depression take over your whole life.I can totally understand the way you are feeling but unlike you i am not that strong and have let it take over my life, with family problems and non stop worrying.

    I dont want to go on about me but hope that when the work situation is sorted you may feel a bit better as it is the fear of what is going to happen that is actually worse as you dont know what you are dealing with.

    Love June xxxx

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    1. Thank you June, sorry we haven't messaged for a while, when I feel like this I can be incredibly selfish, please feel free to PM me anytime and I'll get back to you soon as I'm next online. I find it's easier to chat and help people with their problems than deal with my own.

      You are soo right the fear is always so much worse than the problem itself, I'm seeing the Doctor first thing tomorrow at her request, so I will have a word with her about maybe changing my medication, been on Prozac for many years now and it really doesn't help anymore.

      How is the little tinker Woody getting on with his training now?

      (((hugs))) xxx

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  3. Sorry to hear ur feeling overwhelmed again hun been feeling the same myself just lately
    but as u put it we must plaster on that false smile, if only to help others not feel so awkward in our presence n feel they have to ask "how are u, u ok?" Wtf do they care they don't want to REALLY no how u bloody feel hell how could they when u don't truly no how u feel urself!!!
    I really want to run n hide under the duvet where it's safe n tell the rest of the world to go do 1 but I'm told I'm not allowed that I have to carry on with normality (I am not convinced ATM this is really what I want to or perhaps am really capable of dealing with if I'm totally honest but hey ho) best I can . . . . defiantly easier said than done that 1 ESP when u can't get ur head around even the simplest of everyday tasks
    Anyway that's my rant over with u no I'm hear anytime to listen or help if I can just shout or come n knock on
    hugs my lovely And remember ur not alone xxx L xxx

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    1. Thanks L, we must get together for a cup of tea and get ourselves sorted out, and if we can't sort ourselves out, we can plot how to sort those out the p%#s us off!

      I hate it when people ask how you are, 90% of the people who ask don't ask because they want to know they just ask out of habit..

      When those types ask me I always reply in a cheery voice "Rock bottom thanks, how are you?" then as they walk away you see the confusion start to appear on their face when it sinks in what you have just said. Just one of the ways I amuse myself at the Wendy House, you should try it sometime it really does cheer you up to see someone dithering and looking confused..

      (((hugs))) xxx

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  4. Saddened and sorry to read this, Dawn. You are always ready to help with other people's problems, I wish I could help you.

    I've no doubt that your work situation is keeping you low. In many ways, though maybe not financially, you would be better off out of there. It may even open other doors for you.

    Keep communicating and telling us how you are feeling x.

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    1. Thanks Lesley, you help in more ways than you know.

      Chatting to you and Jill every morning sets me up to face the day.

      Doctor spoke with me about the form she must fill in today, hopefully once they receive it a decision will be made.

      Had some amazing support off people since I posted this last night, which was totally unexpected.

      xxx

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  5. :( Oh dear - I'm useless at saying helpful things but I do hope that you start to feel brighter soon.
    Hopefully the lovely kind words of the ladies who have commented before me will help to give you a boost x

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    1. Thank you Mammasaurus, I have had some wonderful support since posting this.

      I am seeing the chunks of light now.

      xxx

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  6. I am sorry I didn't comment earlier on your blog post, Dawn, but I did read it and wished you well in my thoughts every day. How are you? I can appreciate how your work is making you feel - I can't tell you how relieved I was when we were able to make the decision for me to 'retire'. Every day was becoming harder and more stressful, so I really understand and appreciate how you feel. It would have been lovely to see you on Saturday, but hope you will be able to make it to one of my events in November.

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    1. Thanks Jill, it is getting more and more stressful as the months go by, the pain is great and the brain is fried. Got to the point I just want to leave NOW..

      Sorry about not making your event, running around trying to sort puncture on the camper van then it got to late to go. Hope it went well for you?

      You are so busy with your foster kittens they must always come first, so please don't fret about it.

      I'm seeing the odd chink of light now, will catch up soon.

      xxx

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  7. sorry to read of your pain. Wish I could offer some advice (that doesn't involve alcohol or chocolate) so just sending you lots of positive vibes instead, and hope you can get the right support. Embrace those chinks of light when they appear. x

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    1. Thank you for your positive vibes, I am feeling a lot better since I posted this, everyone has been so kind.

      Sorry it has taken a couple of days to add your comment, for some reason it went to the spam box, I learnt a while ago to check it regularly as it doesn't tell me when they are in there and have missed a few in the past.

      xxx

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  8. really sorry, only just read your about page, after reading this post - so feel free to delete my last now even more useless comment! Still sending that positivity - and hope your allotment brings you happiness and veg too. x

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    1. No worries, I'm not the sensitive type and would hate it if people felt they had to be careful what they say around me. In fact most of the time I'm taking the p@#s out of myself, so I have posted it as I know nothing nasty was meant by it.

      I've been dry nearly 13 years now, there is no cure for alcoholism so will always be a recovering alcoholic. I still have the odd day when I want a drink, but I am so much stronger now.

      As to the chocolate, I looovvvveee chocolate and I'm only fat because I eat far too much of it, as do a lot of us lol.

      Please, please don't think you need to censer what you say.

      We have had some veg this year, but not as much as previous years as we were late starting this year due to Himself being unwell and the weather has not been that good either..

      xxx

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  9. I'm so sorry to read your feeling so low Dawn, as others have said when I read your comments you are always so calm and wise - I guess thats the trouble with the internet, you can hide behind a screen. If nothing else I am glad you got your feelings out and could talk about it. I am definitely a newbie to the party on that one, and can honestly see how it really really does help to just be able to say "Hang on just because I have a smile on my face it doesnt mean I am smiling and happy all the way through" Really hope you are starting to have some brighter days XXX

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    1. Thank you for your kind words,I have had so much support since writing this post I'm overwhelmed, and it has helped in so many ways.

      I have now been signed off work for a couple of weeks, I saw a different Doctor who really understood that I was feeling so down, even though I was smiling and joking as a defense mechanism one minute, then bawling my eyes out the next.

      I'm keeping busy, having a de-clutter at home and I do feel a lot more positive now.

      Onward and upward for me, and I hope things start to get better for you soon too.

      (((hugs))) xxx

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  10. Been reading your posts and cried at the way you and others have described the feelings & thoughts of depression because I am also off sick with depression. No one can fully understand the full force of it unless they have been through it. I am slowly learning to deal with each day, the ups & the downs, appreciating the simple things in life (long walks in the park & feeling the rain on my face) and getting lots of cuddles from my cocker spaniel Bubbles.
    Hope things are getting better for you and take comfort in the fact that you have many friends supporting you x

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment Laura, I am feeling so much better than when I posted this, but the support of friends is what always gets me through.

      Glad Bubbles is there to help you through the day, my Badger Boo is a great help.

      Sorry it took a while to post this, it had somehow got mixed up in the spam box x

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