"Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off!"
Have you ever heard those words as a roller-coaster sets off when someone changes their mind?
That's exactly how my life has been feeling for the past few weeks, the pain in my back is becoming unbearable! I can barely do anything at the moment. I can feel the big black cloud of Depression pushing it's way back into my brain.
The house is a mess as I struggle to keep on top of things. We've been eating processed food **muck** as I can't stand long enough to cook, just walking around the in house is absolute agony. How I wish we had a downstairs toilet, I stand at the bottom of the stairs and they look like an impossible challenge, it can take me several minutes to climb them, so I'm now spending a lot of time upstairs to avoid the climb.
heavy duty painkillers are no longer touching any of it, the Doctor has suggested upping the dose of my Morphine patches. The last time I tried that I was a complete Space Cadet and could hardly string a sentence together.
I'm in a dodgy position with my job as my sick days are going up and up as they want to Medically Retire/Dismiss me. The whole process has been dragged out since February and I still have no idea what is going on, I just keep turning up for work and medicals which I have written about here, here, here, here and here if you want to read the about them.
I'm starting to feel as low as I did in 2000 when I was diagnosed with Autoimmune Hepatitis the outlook was very bleak and I was only given 3 to 5 years before needing a transplant. It was a very black, black time and I suffered with morbid and dark thoughts. Luckily with support I was able to turn my life around and get the disease under control, so much so I haven't needed a transplant yet.
But sitting here now I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this shit life keeps throwing my way. I'm sick of the pain, I'm sick of feeling unwell all the time. I'm not a bad person, but it sure feels like I've upset "Him Upstairs"
I'll just keep plodding on, one day at a time, it's all I can do. I shouldn't be moaning, there are people a lot worse off than me.
So I'll plaster on that fake smile and face the day like I always do...