Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off!

"Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off!"
Have you ever heard those words as a roller-coaster sets off when someone changes their mind? 

That's exactly how my life has been feeling for the past few weeks, the pain in my back is becoming unbearable! I can barely do anything at the moment. I can feel the big black cloud of Depression pushing it's way back into my brain. 

 The house is a mess as I struggle to keep on top of things. We've been eating processed food **muck** as I can't stand long enough to cook, just walking around the in house is absolute agony. How I wish we had a downstairs toilet, I stand at the bottom of the stairs and they look like an impossible challenge, it can take me several minutes to climb them, so I'm now spending a lot of time upstairs to avoid the climb. 


All this extra back pain is on top of the Arthritis pain in my knees, hands and joints. My
heavy duty painkillers are no longer touching any of it, the Doctor has suggested upping the dose of my Morphine patches. The last time I tried that I was a complete Space Cadet and could hardly string a sentence together.

I'm in a dodgy position with my job as my sick days are going up and up as they want to Medically Retire/Dismiss me. The whole process has been dragged out since February and I still have no idea what is going on, I just keep turning up for work and medicals which I have written about here, here, here, here and here if you want to read the about them.

I'm starting to feel as low as I did in 2000 when I was diagnosed with Autoimmune Hepatitis  the outlook was very bleak and I was only given 3 to 5 years before needing a transplant. It was a very black, black time and I suffered with morbid and dark thoughts. Luckily with support I was able to turn my life around and get the disease under control, so much so I haven't needed a transplant yet.

But sitting here now I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this shit life keeps throwing my way. I'm sick of the pain, I'm sick of feeling unwell all the time. I'm not a bad person, but it sure feels like I've upset "Him Upstairs"

I'll just keep plodding on, one day at a time, it's all I can do. I shouldn't be moaning, there are people a lot worse off than me. 

So I'll plaster on that fake smile and face the day like I always do...



14 comments:

  1. Dawn, step 1 blog, step 2 breathe. There is nothing you can do about the job, you must think of your own health first x.

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    1. Thanks Lesley I know but sometimes it just annoys me so much.

      A wonderful surprise to hear from you this morning and have a catch up chat.

      xxx

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  2. Oh Dawn! I can't imagine what it must be like to be in so much pain all of the time and you didn't show a bit of it when I saw you this afternoon! I agree with Lesley, the job situation is what it is and you can't do much to change that. Your health is the most important thing, so please focus your energy on feeling better.

    Much love xxx

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    1. Thanks Amy, I do try not to gone on about it too much. Went to work today and got moaned at by the blole who thought he was doing my job for the day, cos he thought he would have a good skive no doubt lol

      Hope you have recovered from the shock of me beeping at you?

      xxx

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    2. Oops Sorry... Nah not really xxx

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  3. Dawn, I am so sorry you are going through such pain and turmoil. I know that in this economy (ours and yours there) having a job is important, but you, your health and your well-being are so much more important. Do what you can to get well, and that may come at the expense of your job... I wish there was something I could suggest that would help, but in lieu of that, you are in my prayers! xxx Betsy

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Betsy, things are looking up.

      Finally been referred to a Pain Management Clinic and for some Physio on my back, and seeing the Specialist on the 10th about this crippling pain.

      Love to Nellie from BB.

      xxx

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  4. Oh, Dawn, I am sorry and really annoyed with myself that I missed this blog post. The most important thing is your health. Forget the dodgy position at work - what dodgy position - you are unwell and tough if they don't like it. I know it is easy for us to say, but please look after yourself. You are very important. If you feel you would like a meet-up and a long moan, I'm your gal.

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    1. Thanks for the lovely offer Jill, we are all busy at the moment so don't beat yourself up about missing the post.

      I've not checked the blogs myself for a few days, hence the tardy reply.

      Just realised I've not checked yours for the Guest Blogger today/yesterday.

      xxx

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  5. Sorry to hear you are not feeling to well at the moment. Thinking of you x

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    1. Thanks Amy, I was in a bad place when I wrote this, feeling a bit more chipper now because of everyones kind words.

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  6. Not been over to your blog for a while (sorry) I hope you are in a better place now than when you wrote this entry. Thinking of you xx

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, I'm feeling a lot better in my head now although the body is still letting me down, just popped over to your blog and sorry to see you are still having difficulties xxx

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